Anthony Ilacqua's year end review

Int. Office. Day.

Boss

Well, welcome to your annual review.

Blogger

Thanks.

Boss

How long did this take?

Blogger

How long did what take, sir?

Boss

Okay. Yes. A whole year.

Blogger

You did say annual review.

Boss

Yes. Let me see,what we have here. Okay. First year on the job was it?

Blogger

Yes.

Boss

Well, before we get too far into this, let me tell you how I'm going to score this. You will be judged on attitude, contribution and results. So, if you're ready. (Beat) Attitude. Mostly serious. Mostly professional. Sometimes academic. There were Guerrilla moments, moments of honesty and there were abrasive moments like the “Timeclocks...” post and the “Past, Present and Future” post. The blog overall had a feeling of a young writer who paid attention to just enough of the world's advice and its nonsense to make himself dangerous. You felt natural in many discussions, and the general flow felt real, really good. In fact, you scored very well in this department.

Int. Blogger's face. Close shot. Day.

Blogger (voice-over)

I wonder how much it's snowing in the alps? Name this guy needs to trim his eyebrows. It that a poppy seed in his teeth?

Int. Blogger's eye. Very close shot. Day.

Blogger (voice-over)

Poppies. Poppies.

Ext. Hillside with poppies. Day.

Wind rolls over the poppies, we're in California, the orange poppies are foreground, Eucalyptus Trees are in the distance. Play any Housemartin's tune. Enter girls. Dancing girls all clad in 1980s teenage night club apparel. Blogger pulls off his tie and starts dancing too.

Blogger

How's this for attitude?
Girl dances around him and smiles.

Blogger

This is what I've been missing.

Girl

Sound good?

Blogger

What?

Girl

Any questions?

Int. Office. Day.

Blogger

What?

Boss

I said, any questions? Does it sound good?

Blogger

Um. No.

Boss

This is your copy of my copy. (Beat) Now if you're ready.

Blogger (voice-over)

Now if you're ready? Isn't that what Clint Eastwood says? Tough guy.

Boss

Contribution. First off, this was your first year, and we had no real expectations of you. None. Zero. You contributed one blog post per week. Good job. You kept close to the task at hand. Reading, writing and the teaching of writing. Not bad. Your reading list series was okay. Short Story for the Editor made some impressions. The anecdote may be my favorite. The Jumpstart? These were all good, you held true to what you said you were going to do. We had no real expectations, hell, we're not even here. This office? Me? I'm a figment of your imagination. As far as daydreams go, this one's not even that interesting. Don't you have daydreams or delusions better than this?

Blogger

Daydreams? Delusions? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like gumballs should be like raindrops. Or should raindrops be like gumballs?

Boss

Right.

Blogger

Right? Which one is it?

Boss

The former. Well, no, the latter. Gumballs? No, contribution. You held true to the reading, writing and the teaching of writing bit. Weekly too. Good job.

Blogger

Thank you.

Boss

Now. Results. Are you ready?

Blogger

Hold on, not quite. Give me a moment.

Ext. Circus tent. Day.
Elephants and a chimp on a unicycle pass. Enter balloon tying clowns. Old Siouxie and the Banshees echo overhead. Scratch record. Donovan plays instead. Everyone wears some psychedelic clothes. The place looks like candy land. Enter the Beatles, the Yellow Submarine Beatles. Everything gets groovy. The sky becomes a chalkboard. Numbers and formulas roll across it. Enter Miss Macintosh (third grade teacher) with her yard stick which looks like a 2 by 4.

Miss Macintosh

Pay attention. We're almost done.

Blogger

Almost done?

Miss Macintosh

The results we need to talk about results.

Blogger

Oh, yes, the results.

Int. Office. Day.

Boss

Yes. The results. Here they are: 52 posts. 14 Comments. 4 posts on reading. 4 writing workshop series. 3200 page views. The design is okay, the presentation is inviting. For the first year, this is good. As I said, we had no expectations and I don't exist.

Blogger

It has been a good year. A successful year. Don't I get a raise?

Boss

Sure. What do you want?

Blogger

What are we talking about here? Percentages? Honey baked hams? Rupees? What?

Boss

Whatever you want. You can choose three.

Blogger

Like wishes.

Boss

Is that your first one?

Blogger

Gumballs.

Boss

Okay.

Blogger

More time. Can I have another year of doing this?

Boss

Done.

Blogger

Can I have something to say?

Boss

Say “thank you” you've had readers, viewers, friends, strangers and colleagues visit this blog. Thank them for reading.

Blogger

Thank you all for reading. Thank you for your support and kind words. It's been a real joy this first year, a real blessing. Thanks.