Greed and Lust

I have always believed that all human beings are greedy. I don't mean this in a bad way. I have always believed that all people are lusty too. Also, not intended to be a bad thing. So, here we are, we're all lusty and greedy.

It seems to me that most people are looking for wealth. It's all about how you define that wealth. It could be money or material things. It could be education, it could be loved ones and family. It could be experiences. So, here we are, what do you lust after?

For me, it is as it always has been experience. I have always wanted nothing more than experiences. I suppose this is the outcome of the events of my young life. I have always wanted to travel, to see things, try new things. Unfortunately for me, somewhere along the way, I've tried to avoid crowds at all costs. So much of those things that I may get to experience has crowds. What can you do? Either hide at home or deal with it.

The funny thing about being lustful for experiences, the more I get the more I want. When I've had a few good experiences, the sorts that change the way I look at life, the more of these experiences I want. I just want more and more. Anyone who has been with me late at night, and especially after a few drinks, knows that I just want to keep going, keep doing whatever it is we're doing and I will say yes to just about everything. “Anthony, do you want to climb the side of this church?” or “Anthony, do you want to have a live spider eating contest with me?” Yes to both, why not, when will I ever get to climb churches or eat spiders ever again?

This month, Kindergarten started. This has not been an easy transition for me. How could it? I have been at home every day with my son for the last five years. Now, we see each other in the morning for an hour or so, and occasionally we'll see each other in the afternoon. With the beginning of Kindergarten, we have now entered a new phase in life. But this is what I can say about the last five years: it was an experience. It was a great experience.

Now, when I walk away from the Kindergarten drop-off, I feel sick and sad. I want to grab my son and never let him go. I feel like crying, and I often do. But he's an independent little boy, and he's excited to go to school and he's excited about life. I cannot hold him and not let him go, it wouldn't be fair to him. He's got a whole life's worth of experiences ahead of him. When I think of it like that, I'm excited for him too.

And now, I got all day, again, to myself.

In my mind, I feel like I'd make the most use of my time writing. I feel like I would best benefit the family by getting a second job during the day. In my imagination, it's something else entirely.

Yesterday, feeling very low after dropping off my son, I took a bike ride. We've lived in our little town for about 3 years. My exploration thus far has been out of necessity or with a small child. But yesterday, armed with my notebook, pen and K1000, I took a bike ride.

The feeling, can only be describe as refreshing. It was like a feeling I had once, but had forgotten. It was a familiar and foreign feeling. It was like the feeling I had in my youth. In my youth when everything was new. It could be that I was alone and leisurely riding my bike, something I have not had the luxury to do for years. It could be that my emotional state at the onset of the adventure was pretty low. Who knows?

One thing for sure, it's okay to be lustful, it's okay to be greedy. Especially when it's the experiences and views of life you're after.